Three sessions into math tutoring, you pick up your child, Rae, who says they no longer need help and asks you if they can stop their sessions.
Sound familiar?
Although your gut instinct might be to say “no,” or to brush off Rae’s complaints, this scenario is a learning opportunity.
By taking Rae seriously and engaging in a dialogue about tutoring, you can teach Rae that decisions are often gray, not black and white.
Having a structured conversation with Rae, using active listening techniques, and systematically weighing the pros/cons of tutoring, will teach Rae that it’s not a yes-or-no decision; it’s a matter of finding the balance between the advantages and disadvantages of tutoring at this point in time.
Understand Your Child’s Point of View
Schedule a Meeting
Although it might be tempting to engage with Rae as soon as they say they want to quit tutoring, it can be helpful to stall a conversation by hours or a day or so, so that you and Rae are able to talk when both of you are calm.
You want to manage this conversation in a way that allows Rae to feel heard but does not give up your decision-making authority. The best way to do this is to schedule a “meeting” where the two of you can sit down together and evaluate the situation thoughtfully.
A meeting raises the status of this decision from a casual request or complaint. It shows Rae you take their point of view seriously, and provides you with a dedicated time and place to analyze the situation in a non-threatening, collaborative context.
Practice Active Listening and Reflecting
Before diving into the details of making this choice, you need to listen to Rae’s point of view with an open mind. You may learn something new about Rae’s desire to quit tutoring and end up agreeing, at least to some extent, with their point of view.
Reflective listening is a good technique here. With it, you intersperse questions with “reflections” that restate how Rae is feeling. For example, if Rae says:“I don’t want to go to tutoring. I’m doing better in math this week, and I know I can improve my grades if I just study more.” You might say: "It sounds like you feel confident handling math on your own right now.”
A good reflection will allow Rae to elaborate further on their feelings and let Rae know you are listening without interrogating their opinion.
Brainstorm as a Team
photo courtesy of Kelly Sikkema
Weigh the Pros/Cons
As you and Rae are talking, it can help to write things down. Make a two-column chart headed "+" and "-". Ask Rae to list as many considerations as possible for both sides.
Initially, you want Rae to come up with all of the ideas on both sides, but you can encourage things by coming up with some considerations in their favor: "One advantage of sticking with tutoring is that your tutor helps you with time management, even if you feel confident with the math concepts."
Guide the Conversation with Empathy
If Rae is not feeling receptive and will only list ideas in support of quitting, your best response might be to pause the conversation and try again later: "Looks like you aren't ready to consider both sides so I don't see how we can make an informed change. Guess we'll keep things as they are for now."
Hopefully, though, gentler coaxing will be effective. You can facilitate collaboration by actively agreeing with Rae on all the points you can. "Totally, it is a drag to have to drive there every week," or, "I know you think this chapter has easy math concepts." When you model being receptive to both sides of the argument, you might find that reflected back to you.
By having a structured conversation with Rae, using active listening techniques, and systematically weighing the pros/cons of tutoring, you and Rae will think through both sides of the tutoring question together. Whatever the outcome is, it will be better accepted if it is part of a process rather than given as an ultimatum.
Make the Best Decision You Can
In the end, the most desirable outcome, regardless of whether you stick with tutoring or not, is that you and Rae weighed the options and made the best choice you can for now.
The odds are that tutoring is a decision you will revisit, whether it is next quarter or in a few years when new school demands create new challenges. Establishing a decision-making process will serve well for the next time this or a similar situation arises.
If you’re uncertain whether or not tutoring is a good fit for your child right now, we’d love to hear from you. Please, reach out to us for a phone consultation, and let us know how we can help!
For a good summary of how we work and why we believe having the kind of discussion we write about above is important, please see the following piece on Personalized Tutoring.
